Getting through the holidays after infidelity
Okay, you know what? Most of my posts are pretty “rah-rah-rah Go Team You” and that’s cool. I mean that’s generally who I am. I love my life and I want you to feel good about yours, too.
But can we talk about the holidays for a minute? I want to let you in on a little secret: I dread them. I put on a brave face and I smile for my friends and family because they need me to smile and be cheery – they need very much not to feel uncomfortable about how I feel about the holidays. So I suck it up, put on my brave face and ignore the knot in my stomach. But, every year, there are moments when I don’t wanna. Like, not at all. Like, every year from about December 10th until January 5th or so.
When they ask me what I want for Christmas, I want to answer, “I would like to be starry eyed with the magic of being in love. Or maybe I’d like to be in the comfy coziness of a well established relationship. Can you do that for me, Janet?” or, “Can you make this holiday go away, Sue? Because, really, it’s just one giant shit show for me right now and I detest every, freaking minute of it, other than seeing twinkly lights outside.” But, of course, I don’t say that. I smile and say, “Oh, gosh, I don’t know… I’ll try to think of something.”
When I’m at the store shopping for holiday decor and presents, it’s like running through a minefield of reminders that other people are in love while I can’t seem to find anyone. I’ll literally be walking down aisles when I’ll see a “we’re so happy” ornament or hear a Christmas carol, like, “Let It Snow” (when we finally kiss goodnight, how I hate to go out in the storm…but if you really hold me tight, all the way home I’ll be warm!” and I hustle my ass out of there faster than you can say Falalalala, whispering to myself, “nope, nope, nope! not gonna cry. not gonna feel. you got this shit, girl!” Because I refuse – refuse! – to let myself feel the crushing hurt that comes with that shattered dream.
I mostly keep those feelings to myself because if I dare to bare them for friends and family to see, here’s what happens: I either get unsolicited advice that just makes everything a thousand times worse OR they tell me they’re sorry. Which also makes it worse. The point is, it’s just a crappy time of year and the only thing to do is get through it. I don’t want to be around people at Christmas. I just don’t. It feels awful and every minute of it is sheer agony. But I do it because it makes them feel better if I’m not alone.
The one thing that helps (for me anyway) is hanging out with dogs and little kids. You know why? Because they’re all about fun and happiness and they don’t give two shits about romance. Maybe someday I’ll have someone special with me at Christmas but this year, once again, is about getting through this fucking holiday without wanting to punch a hole in a wall.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know, if you feel like shit this time of year but feel like it’s important to put on a happy face so other people won’t zero in on what you’re feeling, you’re not alone and it’s totally okay to be pissed off about where your life is right now and you have every right to think that anyone who has the nerve to tell you otherwise can choke on a bag of dicks.
Frankly, this is how I plan on getting through the next, few weeks:
Hang in there, baby. January’s coming – we got this.