Getting through the holidays after infidelity

Okay, you know what? Most of my posts are pretty “rah-rah-rah Go Team You” and that’s cool. I mean that’s generally who I am. I love my life and I want you to feel good about yours, too.

But can we talk about the holidays for a minute? I want to let you in on a little secret: I dread them. I put on a brave face and I smile for my friends and family because they need me to smile and be cheery – they need very much not to feel uncomfortable about how I feel about the holidays. So I suck it up, put on my brave face and ignore the knot in my stomach. But, every year, there are moments when I don’t wanna. Like, not at all. Like, every year from about December 10th until January 5th or so.

When they ask me what I want for Christmas, I want to answer, “I would like to be starry eyed with the magic of being in love. Or maybe I’d like to be in the comfy coziness of a well established relationship. Can you do that for me, Janet?” or, “Can you make this holiday go away, Sue? Because, really, it’s just one giant shit show for me right now and I detest every, freaking minute of it, other than seeing twinkly lights outside.” But, of course, I don’t say that. I smile and say, “Oh, gosh, I don’t know… I’ll try to think of something.”

When I’m at the store shopping for holiday decor and presents, it’s like running through a minefield of reminders that other people are in love while I can’t seem to find anyone. I’ll literally be walking down aisles when I’ll see a “we’re so happy” ornament or hear a Christmas carol, like, “Let It Snow” (when we finally kiss goodnight, how I hate to go out in the storm…but if you really hold me tight, all the way home I’ll be warm!” and I hustle my ass out of there faster than you can say Falalalala, whispering to myself, “nope, nope, nope! not gonna cry. not gonna feel. you got this shit, girl!” Because I refuse – refuse! – to let myself feel the crushing hurt that comes with that shattered dream.

I mostly keep those feelings to myself because if I dare to bare them for friends and family to see, here’s what happens: I either get unsolicited advice that just makes everything a thousand times worse OR they tell me they’re sorry. Which also makes it worse. The point is, it’s just a crappy time of year and the only thing to do is get through it. I don’t want to be around people at Christmas. I just don’t. It feels awful and every minute of it is sheer agony. But I do it because it makes them feel better if I’m not alone.

The one thing that helps (for me anyway) is hanging out with dogs and little kids. You know why? Because they’re all about fun and happiness and they don’t give two shits about romance. Maybe someday I’ll have someone special with me at Christmas but this year, once again, is about getting through this fucking holiday without wanting to punch a hole in a wall.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know, if you feel like shit this time of year but feel like it’s important to put on a happy face so other people won’t zero in on what you’re feeling, you’re not alone and it’s totally okay to be pissed off about where your life is right now and you have every right to think that anyone who has the nerve to tell you otherwise can choke on a bag of dicks.

Frankly, this is how I plan on getting through the next, few weeks:

how I’ll survive everyone telling me either: a) I will meet the man of my dreams when I stop looking for him, or b) there are more important things about the holidays than being in a relationship.

Hang in there, baby. January’s coming – we got this.

  1. Emily

    December 15, 2017 at 2:23 am

    OMG I can so relate! Holidays are the worst. My poor sister had the roughest time a couple of years ago after a particularly nasty break up and I felt so bad for her being questioned about life by people who had no right to ask anything at all. I just wanted to cocoon her in chocolate and wine and hibernate until it was Spring and people no longer cared so much. You’ll find me hiding out with the kids this year….and every year.

    1. admin

      December 15, 2017 at 2:38 am

      that. is. EXACTLY. what I would like – you sound like an amazing sister! ♥

  2. Chastity

    December 15, 2017 at 9:29 am

    Well, I will be the crew on the other side saying sorry you do feel that way. But on the flip side as you enjoy your wine, hang out with the kids/dogs and eat everything that’s delicious 😋. As soon as you feel a meltdown coming or a negative thought I would get on a dating app and check out s few potential candidates. It can help lighten that vibe you have during this togetherness period and you might me someone in the process. Which would be super awesome🤗

  3. Amanda

    December 15, 2017 at 10:22 pm

    Oh, I hate this for you. When you’re pregnant, people give you unsolicited advice too! Makes you think twice about giving advice to people in any situation! LOL don’t worry January is not far off 😂😂

    1. admin

      December 15, 2017 at 10:36 pm

      oh my gosh, I completely forgot about that but you’re right (and ugh)!

  4. Suzanne Spiegoski

    December 17, 2017 at 4:51 am

    The holidays can be tough on so many. I, too, am not the biggest fan of Christmas. Here’s to January, babe. xo, Suzanne

  5. Tiffany

    December 17, 2017 at 10:30 pm

    This is such a great post and can relate on so many levels!!!

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